Life as a St. Patrick’s Day Bouncer

I thought I would describe in detail what St. Patrick’s day for a bouncer is like. Now, I haven’t even bothered mentioning all the drunken people puking everywhere, and instead opted to tell the stories that I felt really stood out in my mind that night.

Incident 1: The manager of the club tells us to come upstairs and stop a couple from having sex in the washroom. We interrupt their love making and kick them out.

Incident 2: Right after we kick them out two girls hysterically argue with the manager about how we need to intervene and free a lady from her European pimps. Apparently, they overheard the girl say, “I don’t want to be here”, and construed that as “I am being held against my will”. Despite the fact that we wouldn’t want to get involved in anything surrounding organized crime in the slightest, we seriously doubt that the girl in question was a sex worker, especially considering we were taking this on the word of two obviously inebriated young ladies. However, try talking to two drunk girls who are adamant in their beliefs, telling you that you know nothing while they on the other hand are “experts” because they took a measly McGill course on the matter. Anyhow, we had to throw out these hysterical bitches and even had to call the cops to have them escorted out. It took forever for the cops to arrive.

Incident 3: As we are dealing with the girls in incident 2, the couple from incident 1 appear… with a police cruiser. I however, was unaware that this was the same couple because, well, I was just out of it. Anyhow, apparently these idiots tried taking a cab to go to the girl’s house to have a little booty call. Unfortunately, they didn’t have enough money for the cab so the driver called the cops to force them to pay their fare. The guy comes back to the bar where his friends have money to give him. But it seems the company he kept were less intelligent than average, and doubly less intelligent than average when under the influence of alcohol. So one of his friends, believing one of the police officers to be a government agent of oppression and control (I assume), threw a beer bottle at the cop while yelling “fucking pig”. Naturally the cop grabbed the dude, arm locked him, and shoved him into the police cruiser.

Incident 4: Since I let the girl back in by mistake we had to kick her out once again. We grabbed her and she started balling her head off crying in drunken incoherent babble. As we were dragging the drunkard off some dude from the New York Fire Department (he had his uniform on) comes in Superman style and demands to know what we are doing. I look at him and tell him we are bouncers, we are kicking the lady out, and that he is preventing us from doing our job. Despite the situation being obvious it appears this dude believed we were trying to harm the lady and tried to “save the day” and free her. Unfortunately the St. Patrick’s Day beer didn’t grant him superpowers of any sort so we quickly choked him out and threw him outside alongside the dumb girl he was trying to protect.

Incident 5: The manager calls us up to let us know that some dude is pissing on the wall upstairs near the exit. By the time we got up he finished his business and calmly exited the bar.

Incident 6: I go back downstairs, and this creepy looking dude that looks like he came out of a Death Row rap music video is holding out a pitcher of beer and telling me to take it. I look at him and I am like, “excuse me?”. He goes on and on until I just walk away from the idiot. But I kept my eye on him and watched the dude walk around with a violent chip on his shoulder. At one point I decided enough was enough and got some back up to throw him out. When we came to escort him out his friend came to intervene and by the end we had to forcibly push them both outside. When we reached outside he was yelling all sorts of expletives and curses, saying he was going to kill us and yadayadayada. He did all of this within earshot of two peace officers and they soon approached him to try to calm him down. He then proceeded to curse the police and yell, “You wanna shoot me? Shoot me then, I don’t give a fuck!”, and then even pushed one of the cops. Now I thought for sure the police were going to do a Rodney King on the dude and beat him up big time, but instead one of the officers just kicked him back and drew out his pepper spray. The black dude then just shouted some more curses, and then walked away towards St. Cat’s. I guess the cops didn’t want to file the paper work. On a day like St Pat’s, you just got let a lot of stuff slide.