Life as a St. Patrick’s Day Bouncer

I thought I would describe in detail what St. Patrick’s day for a bouncer is like. Now, I haven’t even bothered mentioning all the drunken people puking everywhere, and instead opted to tell the stories that I felt really stood out in my mind that night.

Incident 1: The manager of the club tells us to come upstairs and stop a couple from having sex in the washroom. We interrupt their love making and kick them out.

Incident 2: Right after we kick them out two girls hysterically argue with the manager about how we need to intervene and free a lady from her European pimps. Apparently, they overheard the girl say, “I don’t want to be here”, and construed that as “I am being held against my will”. Despite the fact that we wouldn’t want to get involved in anything surrounding organized crime in the slightest, we seriously doubt that the girl in question was a sex worker, especially considering we were taking this on the word of two obviously inebriated young ladies. However, try talking to two drunk girls who are adamant in their beliefs, telling you that you know nothing while they on the other hand are “experts” because they took a measly McGill course on the matter. Anyhow, we had to throw out these hysterical bitches and even had to call the cops to have them escorted out. It took forever for the cops to arrive.

Incident 3: As we are dealing with the girls in incident 2, the couple from incident 1 appear… with a police cruiser. I however, was unaware that this was the same couple because, well, I was just out of it. Anyhow, apparently these idiots tried taking a cab to go to the girl’s house to have a little booty call. Unfortunately, they didn’t have enough money for the cab so the driver called the cops to force them to pay their fare. The guy comes back to the bar where his friends have money to give him. But it seems the company he kept were less intelligent than average, and doubly less intelligent than average when under the influence of alcohol. So one of his friends, believing one of the police officers to be a government agent of oppression and control (I assume), threw a beer bottle at the cop while yelling “fucking pig”. Naturally the cop grabbed the dude, arm locked him, and shoved him into the police cruiser.

Incident 4: Since I let the girl back in by mistake we had to kick her out once again. We grabbed her and she started balling her head off crying in drunken incoherent babble. As we were dragging the drunkard off some dude from the New York Fire Department (he had his uniform on) comes in Superman style and demands to know what we are doing. I look at him and tell him we are bouncers, we are kicking the lady out, and that he is preventing us from doing our job. Despite the situation being obvious it appears this dude believed we were trying to harm the lady and tried to “save the day” and free her. Unfortunately the St. Patrick’s Day beer didn’t grant him superpowers of any sort so we quickly choked him out and threw him outside alongside the dumb girl he was trying to protect.

Incident 5: The manager calls us up to let us know that some dude is pissing on the wall upstairs near the exit. By the time we got up he finished his business and calmly exited the bar.

Incident 6: I go back downstairs, and this creepy looking dude that looks like he came out of a Death Row rap music video is holding out a pitcher of beer and telling me to take it. I look at him and I am like, “excuse me?”. He goes on and on until I just walk away from the idiot. But I kept my eye on him and watched the dude walk around with a violent chip on his shoulder. At one point I decided enough was enough and got some back up to throw him out. When we came to escort him out his friend came to intervene and by the end we had to forcibly push them both outside. When we reached outside he was yelling all sorts of expletives and curses, saying he was going to kill us and yadayadayada. He did all of this within earshot of two peace officers and they soon approached him to try to calm him down. He then proceeded to curse the police and yell, “You wanna shoot me? Shoot me then, I don’t give a fuck!”, and then even pushed one of the cops. Now I thought for sure the police were going to do a Rodney King on the dude and beat him up big time, but instead one of the officers just kicked him back and drew out his pepper spray. The black dude then just shouted some more curses, and then walked away towards St. Cat’s. I guess the cops didn’t want to file the paper work. On a day like St Pat’s, you just got let a lot of stuff slide.

Lord Anish’s Party Life-18th Bday Dramatics (Part Deux)

A week later I decided to have a party with my college friends. 1st Semester was finished, it was still middle of winter, so why not drink to warm up. We all relaxed Friday because we all knew the blood bath of drinking that would happen after. Our Destination? 737, back when it was the hype and the club to be. Now it just plainly is…dull. What also made it a little bit scary was the fact people were still in panic after 9/11 3 months after, and we were at one of the tallest buildings in Montreal, but seriously? We that stupid to let it happen again? It was a packed house. I knew the promoter very well as he was a friend of mine in college. We got the small VIP room and we got from what i remember that night, 4 bottles. 2 Vodka and 2 Amaretto. There are two floors, one that plays house/techno and the other that plays hip/hop. We stuck to the bottom floor most of the time but went upstairs because there was a bit of room. There were soooooo many hot women there u couldn’t keep count. Not including the college women we rolled with. Like i said, when you are well liked by most of the crews in Marrianopolis, things kinda happen. I remember dancing with like 7 women that night ,i was so gone though. I think I made out with a few, problem is that was the ONLY night i don’t remember much. Every other night i can remember everything from start to finish.

I remeber there was a fight between one of my friends and some old indian dude. 737 is world renowned for old brown guys. If you are into that sort of thing, then that would be the place for you. He tried groping my friends gf, but none of us would have it. My friend decked him in the face and walked away. The bouncers took out the guy who was hit but since no one ratted my friend out, it was cool and he was able to stay. Word of advice, don’t fight unless its really worth it, you won’t endanger yourself or any of your friends, and make sure if you wanna cross that line, you better hope his friends are not around to back him up, because i seen fights that went sour in a jiffy. 8 vs 1 doesn’t prove a point except either pain,death or how stupid you are. Do it if its one of these reasons, your GF is in danger (don’t do it because she’s being hit on, outsmart the guy if he’s more drunk then you or hang around bigger guys), your friend is already in a fight and is outnumbered, or to protect people close to you. DO NOT DO IT FOR FUN, it ruins a lot.

Lord Anish’s Party Life- 18th Bday Dramatics (Part 1)

Those who party with me back in the day know that i party on 2 days. My Bday weekend and the weekend after. The reason is because of Final Exams for the term. My bday is on Dec. 12. Exam hell week, and this tradition began in college. Now i was still friends with a lot of the women in high school who were in Grades 10-11. I knew most of my friends could not come but since i was closer to a few Grade 10 women, I invited them to come and join me in the festivities. I never went to Dome but honestly every time i heard it on the radio i assumed it was actually a Dome-like facility kind of like a stadium, and my friends kept telling me its big, so safe to say maybe i was 10% right. It ended up being me,my brother,and 2 women from grade 10, and one who i never met before. She happened to be in Grade 11 to my suprise. I’ve never seen her but she has pretty hot. Mind u all the women i went with were very hot for there age.

Now the night was going pretty well until one of the girls got sick. Seems someone spiked her drink while she was on the dance floor. Funny thing was we were able to see where we was on the bar because of the cameraman was focused on her for id say 80% of the time. I was at the bar doing my thing,and i looked up to see her not feeling so well on the screen. So my brother went to get her and bring her up. She was puking so my brother took her home. So it was me the girl and my other good (hot) friend. I met Chris that day who ended up being my hook up to Dome. It seems my personality ended up getting me the right numbers and meeting the right people and really I’m thankful for it. He also hooked me up with a bottle no tip, so i pay what ever the bottle is worth. After that day he was my bartender at Dome anytime i went. So we ended up finishing the bottle and we were smashed. So i decided why not, go downstairs and have fun even though i was by myself because the other 2 went to dance. I went downstairs on the dance floor and boy was it awesome. With 4 cages, hugggge dance floor, and a stage where hot women was dancing…i was in awe.  I finally found one of the girls dancing with a guy as we left, and the other one we found 20 min later on the sofa making out with a guy. Hey what can i say, if i was that guy id probably be doing the samething too. We all took a taxi home and found out that she was the Vice Principals daughter of St. Thomas. Boy was i shocked. My Bday did not end there…..

AND YOU’LL FIND OUT NEXT WEEK

Lord Anish’s Party life – The Beggining Of The 4 Horsemen

It was a while since i partied next. I was at a few mediocre parties but nothing special. Plus with the recent passing, my ‘life kinda went wilder. I would do things i would not normally do. Now I’m at Marrianopolis. My first week i knew no one. Not one soul. Then i met someone named Harold. (Hilarious as my middle name is Kumar). We became good friends but through him i met more people, And from them i met some more, till i met someone named Cordelle. Now

he was this guy who likes to talk a lot of shit, but if u know him hes a good dude. Now through him i met the second member of the 4 Horsemen, David. We started talking and it was like we were meant to be friends god knows how long ago. Though him i met the other 2 members. Jamal and Jordan. How i met them was at the club me and David went to, Club Cresent on a Saturday. This night would mark the beggining of my true clubbing career that would make this school year the best i’ve been in ever. We met in front of the club and got introduced. With my hookups we walked right in like we owned the club. (Only cuz i knew the owners) And people as always stare at you as you walk upstairs not waiting in line. We stuck to the bottom floor and hit the bar. My friends used to buy drinks and that but i was like fuck it, Bottle of Ameratto please. (You need to understand a drink costs from 6-10$. You only get 1 oz plus the mixer. With a bottle you get as many Oz as you want. Depending on the bottle anywhere from 30-60 drinks. Do the math, clubs make more per drink then on bottles. Mixers are FREE so really 40$ a person for a bottle for 4 people to be happy the whole night would be more logical then buy a drink here and there, wait in line, get drinks spilt on you and push your way. To agressive in my opinion. You want to save more money? Pre-Drink.) Now they were shocked on what I did but we knew all 4 of us would make a great partying group. We danced with women and drank the night away. We knew that this would be the beggining of a great friendship, and you will see as the partying goes on. That night Jamal and David also taught me how to dance. How to sway to hip hop and grinded my first girl, would not be the last

Lord Anish’s Party Life- Extreme Upgrade

Now that summer arrived, I did not go downtown much other then shopping or applying to Marianopolis College. Except once where my brother took me to Club Extreme. It happened to fall on a Thursday which was the best night of the week to actually go clubbing. My brother knew of my time at Club Extreme and told me about a few friends he grew up with and know. DJ Mahesh, Wally and a few others. I was excited as obviously going out on a Thursday of all days. This was the moment where I stopped believing in guest list or waiting in lines outside of clubs because of my cousin’s friends in the club which allowed us to walk right in.  It was the first time I ever got dirty looks from people.  Both lines stared me down hard as my brother and I walked upstairs and into the club.

In the old days Club Extreme had 2 floors. I was more into hip hop at that time then house/dance so we stuck to that room and got ourselves a bottle. It was a huge step up from Club Cresent. Beautiful women all over the place just wanting to have a good time, alcohol flowing like water from the Nile into our mouths. We bought a bottle (first time actually doing that) of Ameretto. This is where I came up with my trademark drink Ameretto/7up which will be later known as the Sood Drink. That night I drank a lot and danced all over the place. At one point I ended up in the booth behind the dance floor dancing with 5 women. Problem was I was smashed and I started dancing like a white man who couldn’t dance… which is most of you guys (Sorry guys you know you don’t got rhythm to hip hop). At one point I think I grabbed some girls ass and she liked it and smiled. Meanwhile, my brother this whole time was at the bar drinking and talking to the hot bartender which from that point forward, every time I was at Club Extreme she became was my bartender. She was an unbelievably attractive girl, 5′6 long straight black hair, a nice little tan, nice fit body that would make any man just bow down to this Godess.  And the best part was that she served us ahead of anyone else.  Her name was Emily… what a woman! Just remember, a good club has attractive people serving you, a good range of alcohol, and the one of the top hip hop DJ’s in Canada. That was also the first time I met Dj Quest.

It doesn’t take much to go from hole in the wall to king of the castle in the clubbing world, you just gotta stay grounded and not let it get to your head.

Ontario Kids vs. the Break Dancing Bum

Crescent is home to all sorts of tourist delights. Exotic strippers, cheap booze available at several different bars, great nightclubs, etc. But perhaps Crescent’s biggest draw is the amount of messed up bums that do their weekend hustle begging for change. Sure most of them are just run of the mill hobos, but a few of them make a name for themselves as being truly nuts.

Take for example Jean the Break Dancer. Jean calls himself the best break dancer in Montreal and shows off his skills all over downtown. You give a little bit of change and he’ll wow you for a few seconds with some cool moves.

Unfortunately our friend suffers from a little a drug addiction and his judgment has been significantly impaired. There would be times where there would be a group of guys fighting over some nonsense and here comes Jean the Break Dancer passing by. Jean will say something to the group, then they will heckle back in annoyance, and then afterwards Jean the Break Dancer would do some spinning break dance move that kicks the guy in the mouth and then run off triumphant.

To get to the point of this little story, a tour bus brought over 5000 Ontario kids to Montreal to party for March Break a few months ago. These kids went buck wild. The guys are sexually starved and insecure, the girls think they are hot shit with daddy and mommy’s money, none of them know what it is like to drink out because they are still minors in Ontario, and among other things they are in a totally new city surround by sin and no supervision. Also, Ontario kids just tend to be more disrespectful in general for one reason or another (I know I am being stereotypical but sue me).

With all these factors it wasn’t surprising that a 60 man brawl happened outside one of the clubs. It was just pathetic. There would be people talking bullshit, then stuff would calm down, then some jerk would throw a punch and anarchy would ensue. This process would go on repeatedly throughout the night and it was just total mayhem.

Then out of nowhere guess who shows up but Jean the Break Dancer. Unfortunately for him he broke his leg doing god knows what, forcing him to hit the streets in a wheelchair begging for change probably. He sees the fight going on and instead of thinking “shit I should get out of here” his sick drugged out mind thinks “I WANT IN!!!” So he gets up off his wheelchair on one leg and starts doing superman punches into the crowd. Then he later goes behind his wheelchair, throws it into the crowd like a bowling ball, and knocks down two jabroni Ontario punks.

I am trying to think up of some funny way to end the story, but I think the image of a Break Dancing bum fighting on one leg using his wheel chair as a rolling projectile is enough. More stories soon.

Lord Anish’s Party Life – A love lost, memories forever.

This would be my last night partying with all of my friends from high school.  We all see prom night in movies and expect it to be a blast. Not in this case. The food was lousy, music was fail, and it was plain shit, Excuse my french.

Now the girl I took to prom was a year younger. This caused a lot of drama in our grade because a few of the women didn’t like we were taking women not from our grade; but honestly ask me if I cared? We were not fortunate enough to have plenty of hotties in our grade so I had to import them elsewhere. The girls in the grade below us were about 35% to 45% hotter than ours which was amazing and perfect.  A few of us asked women that were a grade younger to the prom as we were all close friends and couldn’t care less about what the prude bitches in our grade wanted. I ended up taking my best friend’s girl friend’s best friend (say that 10 times fast) out with me for the night. She knew who I was but it was the first time I spoke to her on ICQ, the messenger at the time. We spoke for a couple of months but on march 12th 2001, I asked her and she gladly excepted. We became really close over a couple of months but eventually drifted apart and lost touch. When I first saw her I walked right by her and I was speechless. She was so beautiful all I could say was “Whoa…” when we sat down and spoke in the school cafeteria.

I drove down to prom in my favorite car: a 1999 Nissan Maxim. Pimp ride at the time and my favourite model of  Nissan. This was my first time driving downtown so naturally I got lost as I did not plan ahead and figure out a route to take, I ended up being over an hour late :’( It was no big loss because as I stated before, prom sucked hard.  I’m sure many of you had great times on your prom nights however when your best memory of prom consists of a 16 year old DJ and carrots with dip, you can safely say your prom was a failure.  We needed an escape, luckily Club Crescent was there to make up for our previously lousy night. We all got in and had a great time. We danced for a bit (Btw got carded for the first time and I showed my regular ID which says I was 17 and got in anyways ), I bought my date some drinks and had a wonderful after prom. I drove her home because she needed to be home at 2am. All the way home we heard “Where’s The Party At?” by Jagged Edge featuring Nelly, non stop from the club to her house. We got there at 2:20 and I made sure I took the blame like a gentleman. I picked up everyone in front of the club on my way back to my hotel only to realize that there were 4 beds and 15 people sleeping… I woke up 3 hours later and chilled until I passed by my buddy Jeff’s house for some breakfast. Turned out to be the last time I ever went to Club Crescent!

My prom date and I became very close as the months came by and she told me she was leaving for the summer but moving back to Montreal in December. The last time I spoke to her was Oct 19, 2001. On that Sunday I received news of her untimely passing as a motorist going 80 mph in a 30 mph zone hit her blindside. She was 16.

I dedicate this story to her and to all those who lost a loved one, and that u cherish every moment, whether its partying, or living life.

Lord Anish’s Playoff Push For The Cup

With the west good and settled, only one Canadian team remains, one upset, one surprised goalie shocking everyone, and one that’s doing well even at his age. With that here we go with the:

Western Conference:

2)Detroit Red Wings VS 8)Anaheim Ducks: With the recent upset of the San Jose Sharks, it looks like Anaheim could be the Dallas Stars of last year. Anaheim did everything San Jose could not, Score early, out classed by a rookie goalie whose pulled one from out of nowhere, and stellar defense the way Micheal Komisarek SHOULD PLAY. The Detroit Red Wings were gonna win this one with Columbus but no one thought it would be this easy. No one knew Osgood would actually step up and steal 2 wins for the team.  With Hossa, Lidstrom, Rafalski and Datsuk stepping up, the Detroit Red Wings will go far in the playoffs… or will they? Forwards to Forwards Detroit has a slight advantage. Defense to Defense, Anaheim has a slight advantage. So it will be another battle of goalies. Hiller vs Osgood.

Who will win? Who cares this will be the match to watch

Prediction: Anaheim to win in 6 games! UPSET

3)Vancouver Canucks vs 4)Chicago Black Hawks: With Vancouver being a well rested team going up with the Chicago Black Hawks, one has to wonder how well Khabibulin will do against an already top notch goalie in Roberto Luongo.  Everything else is even. Vancouver has a slight advantage in defense and offense so expect games to be decided by goalies.

Prediction:Vancouver Canucks to win in 5 games !

Eastern Conference:

1)Boston Bruins vs 6)Carolina Hurricanes: No one believed that Carolina could pull this one off and move on to this round but I believed from the moment I saw how Carolina decimated every team they came across with the change in head coach. Cam Ward is a playoff goalie no doubt about it. Tim Thomas is going to have more to deal with this round the the Montreal Canadiens the previous round. Boston has a strong front 3 but is going to make some mistakes as they will play not like they did in regular season

Prediction: Carolina Hurricanes in 7! Upset of the tournament!!!

2)Washington Capitals vs 4)Pittsburgh Penguins:The match we as hockey fans been waiting for all playoff long. They had a chance to meet in the first round but no, this makes it more dramatic. Ovechkin vs

Crosby…Varmolov Vs Fleury..Semin vs Malkin….Green Vs Gonchar. Its going to be the series of the playoffs more then Anaheim Vs Detroit. May the best team win

Prediction: Pittsburgh Penguins in 6

Lord Anish’s Party Life- Tabasco Delight

My third time out was as wild as the first two but didn’t take place downtown.  Everyone knows about Fuzzie’s Laval, but did you know that there was once one in the West Island?  Well that’s where we chose to celebrate our last party for the Unbeaten Rugby Season.  We had more then 7 people attending which was about 80% of the team.  The night started in fun fashion of drinking and talking.  My best friend showed me this previously unheard of shot… it was called “Perry Fires”.  Now Perry Fires contain Tequila and Tabasco so being the idiot that I am I knew I would love the taste.  I had 1 with my buddies and then ordered 5 for my self and drank em straight (big mistake).  At the same time my coach was teaching the rest of the team about Strongman Competition. This is where you take a shot of tequila lemon and salt like normal and remix it.  You Sniff the salt, take the shot, and squeeze the lemon in your eye (no joke).

At this point I’m plastered and so I felt cockier than usual.  I bought another 5 Perry Fires and drank ‘em all one after the other.  At this point I was beyond plastered, dancing and falling all over the place.  Then my rugby coach decides to buy me yet another drink. Now if someone buys you a drink and the color of it is all red, usually you’d decline. But when under the influence, the red color draws you in.  Unfortunately also it goes down like ice cream into your stomach which doesn’t help things in the long run because I ended up drinking a ton more than I should have. It ended up being a shot of pure Tabasco.  I was on the street puking and ended up with a fully burnt stomach and diarrhea for a good 1 1/2 weeks.

It was fun and if I remember correctly I danced with my friends older sister.  She was a cutie.  On the way home in the taxi cab I felt like crap and stopped about 3-4 times to puke.  I felt like a dragon breathing fire out of my mouth each time.  Word of the wise;  don’t prove anything to anyone, stick to Vodka/7up.

Lord Anish’s Party Life – School Trouble

My second journey downtown was not as adventurous as my first story but has its glamor.  Ill admit my life was always an adventure.  Mostly jokes though.  This one starts off like my first one.  I went to St.Thomas High School.  The year was 2001 and I was 17 years old.  I played on the rugby team (for those who knew or heard of us, we were undefeated).  We were the champions that defeated every team by how hard we trained.   Anyway it was during exams that we went out to celebrate our victory.  First I had to do like all children do at some point of their lives, lie to my parents to step outside.  But I told them a half truth and said were going downtown and were probably going to celebrate our season.  Our coach was going to come pick us up from school in a van and take us down to club and drink.  This happened on a Thursday. Who knew that that night would be the night I’d never forget for as long as I live, not because of the events that happened but of how much I drank.

So my mom dropped me off in front of the school.  I met up with my best friend and 5 others.  The rest of the team chickened out.  We see our coach pull up in a dark blue Dodge Caravan 1992 and we proceeded to cruise downtown in “style”.  Coach found parking and I suggested Club Crescent only because I knew we’d get in no problems whatsoever. We parked and went straight to the club.  Obviously no ID check but we got to the cashier and was wondering why anyone would pay 20$ to get in?

It was drink till you piss night.  Now here’s the concept, you pay 20 dollars at the door and 1$ in tip per drink, that’s what we call jackpot!  They slapped on a Pink bracelet and when you have to take a piss, there’s a bouncer at the bathroom door and outside with scissors to cut your bracelet. We were in heaven. Me and my best friend at the time had drinking competitions for how many can we drink. We lost count at the 20th drink each.  I’ve never been this rattled ever in my life (don’t forget this was my second time drinking!).  Boy did we celebrate!

It was 4am when I got home.  I kinda told my parents that I would be home by 12.  My mom was pissed but of course they didn’t know I almost drank myself into a coma so I had to walk straight into my room as fast as possible. I still remember our talk we had at 4 am like it was yesterday.

“Anish?”

“No mom not right now, you can talk to me when the sun is shining over th…”

She closed my door… I guess she could smell the booze
The next day i woke up 3 hrs later and felt for the first time what it is to feel hungover. I had an English essay exam and instead passed out in class. I was sent to the principal’s office where I got in trouble and received an out of class suspension.  Those were the days, no responsibilities and awesome memories.

Long live St.Thomas 

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