Life as a St. Patrick’s Day Bouncer

I thought I would describe in detail what St. Patrick’s day for a bouncer is like. Now, I haven’t even bothered mentioning all the drunken people puking everywhere, and instead opted to tell the stories that I felt really stood out in my mind that night.

Incident 1: The manager of the club tells us to come upstairs and stop a couple from having sex in the washroom. We interrupt their love making and kick them out.

Incident 2: Right after we kick them out two girls hysterically argue with the manager about how we need to intervene and free a lady from her European pimps. Apparently, they overheard the girl say, “I don’t want to be here”, and construed that as “I am being held against my will”. Despite the fact that we wouldn’t want to get involved in anything surrounding organized crime in the slightest, we seriously doubt that the girl in question was a sex worker, especially considering we were taking this on the word of two obviously inebriated young ladies. However, try talking to two drunk girls who are adamant in their beliefs, telling you that you know nothing while they on the other hand are “experts” because they took a measly McGill course on the matter. Anyhow, we had to throw out these hysterical bitches and even had to call the cops to have them escorted out. It took forever for the cops to arrive.

Incident 3: As we are dealing with the girls in incident 2, the couple from incident 1 appear… with a police cruiser. I however, was unaware that this was the same couple because, well, I was just out of it. Anyhow, apparently these idiots tried taking a cab to go to the girl’s house to have a little booty call. Unfortunately, they didn’t have enough money for the cab so the driver called the cops to force them to pay their fare. The guy comes back to the bar where his friends have money to give him. But it seems the company he kept were less intelligent than average, and doubly less intelligent than average when under the influence of alcohol. So one of his friends, believing one of the police officers to be a government agent of oppression and control (I assume), threw a beer bottle at the cop while yelling “fucking pig”. Naturally the cop grabbed the dude, arm locked him, and shoved him into the police cruiser.

Incident 4: Since I let the girl back in by mistake we had to kick her out once again. We grabbed her and she started balling her head off crying in drunken incoherent babble. As we were dragging the drunkard off some dude from the New York Fire Department (he had his uniform on) comes in Superman style and demands to know what we are doing. I look at him and tell him we are bouncers, we are kicking the lady out, and that he is preventing us from doing our job. Despite the situation being obvious it appears this dude believed we were trying to harm the lady and tried to “save the day” and free her. Unfortunately the St. Patrick’s Day beer didn’t grant him superpowers of any sort so we quickly choked him out and threw him outside alongside the dumb girl he was trying to protect.

Incident 5: The manager calls us up to let us know that some dude is pissing on the wall upstairs near the exit. By the time we got up he finished his business and calmly exited the bar.

Incident 6: I go back downstairs, and this creepy looking dude that looks like he came out of a Death Row rap music video is holding out a pitcher of beer and telling me to take it. I look at him and I am like, “excuse me?”. He goes on and on until I just walk away from the idiot. But I kept my eye on him and watched the dude walk around with a violent chip on his shoulder. At one point I decided enough was enough and got some back up to throw him out. When we came to escort him out his friend came to intervene and by the end we had to forcibly push them both outside. When we reached outside he was yelling all sorts of expletives and curses, saying he was going to kill us and yadayadayada. He did all of this within earshot of two peace officers and they soon approached him to try to calm him down. He then proceeded to curse the police and yell, “You wanna shoot me? Shoot me then, I don’t give a fuck!”, and then even pushed one of the cops. Now I thought for sure the police were going to do a Rodney King on the dude and beat him up big time, but instead one of the officers just kicked him back and drew out his pepper spray. The black dude then just shouted some more curses, and then walked away towards St. Cat’s. I guess the cops didn’t want to file the paper work. On a day like St Pat’s, you just got let a lot of stuff slide.

Ontario Kids vs. the Break Dancing Bum

Crescent is home to all sorts of tourist delights. Exotic strippers, cheap booze available at several different bars, great nightclubs, etc. But perhaps Crescent’s biggest draw is the amount of messed up bums that do their weekend hustle begging for change. Sure most of them are just run of the mill hobos, but a few of them make a name for themselves as being truly nuts.

Take for example Jean the Break Dancer. Jean calls himself the best break dancer in Montreal and shows off his skills all over downtown. You give a little bit of change and he’ll wow you for a few seconds with some cool moves.

Unfortunately our friend suffers from a little a drug addiction and his judgment has been significantly impaired. There would be times where there would be a group of guys fighting over some nonsense and here comes Jean the Break Dancer passing by. Jean will say something to the group, then they will heckle back in annoyance, and then afterwards Jean the Break Dancer would do some spinning break dance move that kicks the guy in the mouth and then run off triumphant.

To get to the point of this little story, a tour bus brought over 5000 Ontario kids to Montreal to party for March Break a few months ago. These kids went buck wild. The guys are sexually starved and insecure, the girls think they are hot shit with daddy and mommy’s money, none of them know what it is like to drink out because they are still minors in Ontario, and among other things they are in a totally new city surround by sin and no supervision. Also, Ontario kids just tend to be more disrespectful in general for one reason or another (I know I am being stereotypical but sue me).

With all these factors it wasn’t surprising that a 60 man brawl happened outside one of the clubs. It was just pathetic. There would be people talking bullshit, then stuff would calm down, then some jerk would throw a punch and anarchy would ensue. This process would go on repeatedly throughout the night and it was just total mayhem.

Then out of nowhere guess who shows up but Jean the Break Dancer. Unfortunately for him he broke his leg doing god knows what, forcing him to hit the streets in a wheelchair begging for change probably. He sees the fight going on and instead of thinking “shit I should get out of here” his sick drugged out mind thinks “I WANT IN!!!” So he gets up off his wheelchair on one leg and starts doing superman punches into the crowd. Then he later goes behind his wheelchair, throws it into the crowd like a bowling ball, and knocks down two jabroni Ontario punks.

I am trying to think up of some funny way to end the story, but I think the image of a Break Dancing bum fighting on one leg using his wheel chair as a rolling projectile is enough. More stories soon.

Kidnapped Baby

One night while I was chilling with the coat check girls at a club a young lady that used to do pornographic movies came by to receive back her coat.  I knew she had two kids and me, being the gentleman that I am, asked her how her kids were.

She responded in a care free tone of voice, “Ohhhhhhhhh, they got kidnapped”.

I stared blankly at her, horrified at what she told me.  After all, she was a crack lady, and god knows what might have happened to the kids.

“Ummm, do you know who kidnapped them? ” I asked

“Ohhhhhhh, some crazy old lady…..”

“Well fuck bitch do you know the crazy old lady???!!!”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh, just come crazy nurse”.

When she said that I was relieved.  Obviously her kids got repossesed by child services and one of the nurses she frequents at her local CLSC for std testing ratted her out to the authorities.  Still though, the unengaged manner in which she explained all of this will always stick with me.

Sex Starved Clubber Gets Exposed

Lijan @ my514.com – May 27, 2008

I’m sitting at the bar with my good Friend Tenzin and his buddy Munoff when the Friday Night Camera-man, Murdock, comes up to us and asks “do you guys wanna see something funny?”.

Us, being the inquisitive souls that we are naturally said , ” sure!”

Murdock then took out his digital camera and prepped up the video warning us, “This is funny as hell, disturbing…very disturbing, but oh so funny”

Nothing could have prepared us for what we saw.

We were treated to 1 minute and 35 seconds of some white dude blissfully masturbating in one of the washroom stalls. Unfortunately for this sex starved individual, one of the bouncers broke into the stall and interrupted what ever imaginary sex was going on in his head and poignantly told him that he needed to get his pathetic ass out of the stall.

That’s what the video showed. After seeing this, however, I had to delve deeper into the story to see what would possess someone to spread his genetic material at a nightclub. I was not disappointed.

Apparently one of the bartenders noticed the dude doing some “weird shit” near the bar and wanted to get rid of him before he weirded out any of her patrons. So she went up to him and said “If you are going to do that stuff here either go home, or go to the washroom.”

Obviously he took her advice to heart and moved his sexcapades to the men’s room. After a while of beating off his shrivled manhood the bouncer designated to make sure that nobody was fighting, fucking, or doing crack, was told by the bartender that a weirdo left her bar to go to the washroom and to keep an eye out on him. When the dude went into the stall the bouncer got Murdock to go to the stall next to the one occupied by the pervert and discretely put his camera over to film. You can imagine the site of this if you were a dude minding his own business and you walked into the washroom with the bouncer and the camera guy acting as peeping toms to a perverted misfit. Finally, the scene came to its climax ( no pun intended) with the bouncer barging into the stall ordering the guy to get the fuck out. Seeing the poor dude’s embarrassment was too priceless. I was told later on by the dude handing out paper towles in the rest room that the bouncer made sure that the pervert washed his hands before he did anything else…much to the relief (and amusement) of the men coming to take a piss and seeing this spectacle of utter humiliation.